While at home, I did enjoy my break. Spending time with family and friends is one of my favorite things to do. But I also struggled. I struggled because until now, my friends have always been single and I've never had to awkwardly find my place as a friend to someone who is dating. I struggled because until now, I thought I was giving my hopes and worries about my future (mainly relationships) to the Lord. I struggle, because like so many times before, I felt not good enough, or like I moved from somewhere close to the top of the list down to the way bottom. I struggled, because in my frustration, I broke down and made a choice to not try. Of all the times I've tried too hard, this time I hadn't tried hard enough.
The day I left to catch my flight, I stopped to say goodbye to one of my friends. He handed me a note- a thank-you note, actually, from graduation. I read the note and grinned at his humor-I skimmed over the verse references, planning to read them later.
Later came, and I read the first two references, and came to the third. Lamentations 3:19-24. "Lamentations-huh...can't remember what happy stuff is in there" I thought as I opened my Bible to read the verses. "I remember my affliction and my wandering..." it read. It sounded familiar, and as I read the remaining verses, I remembered why:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
It wasn't sudden. In fact, I thought about it for a while. Then I realized-this week was a good week. I went into it not wanting to leave home and not wanting to take a class, but ended it thankful I could get the class finished. I don't have to worry about my future or relationships, because His mercies are new every morning. He is my Portion. He is faithful. Because of His love, I, Heather, am not consumed. And taking those words to heart is so crazy, because when it sinks in, His love and power blow me away. He understands my struggles. He understands my frustrations. And He loves me. Through them. In them. And despite them.
So it's not about my struggles, my shortcomings, my frustrations. And how silly of me to think it ever is. It's about His love, His faithfulness, His compassions. He uses the consequences and situations that I cause or am in, and He turns them into a lesson about waiting on Him and letting Him be my portion. He is the Lord, and I will trust Him.