Insecurities At Their Finest
I haven't taken the time to really write in the last few weeks, partially due to getting ready for school to start, and partially due to just a lack of energy. I hadn't been able to really think about what I wanted to write about, or even just really focus on one thing for a long time. But with college literally right around the corner, I've been looking back on my summer, and remembering/realizing things. The most obvious thing I realized looking back on the summer was an attack on one of my biggest insecurities as a person, teenager, and girl: feeling like I belong.
I have to admit, this summer was rough. Graduation was good, a relieving ending to a roller-coaster of a year. And then came the full swing of summer. Work, stuff at home, work, youth group, work, church. It just seemed like so much work. I'm not opposed to having a job, I really like working; it's just that this job was not for me, I think. I would rather work hard and do something productive with my time rather than sit at a desk and wait for people to come by the office. But it's a matter of preference. So work kind of stressed me out, even though there was nothing to stress out about. I worked so much (at least it seemed) that I didn't have time to do fun things, like hang out with friends, or just chill at home. The thing that bothered me most, I think, was seeing all the pictures on Facebook of my friends at the river, or going shopping with friends, or on vacation. I knew that it was not healthy to let those things upset me, and I didn't necessarily let them. Mostly I think the devil used those social media outlets to get a foothold in my heart and brain that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't good enough to hang out with.
I wasn't good enough to be invited to go along with them.
I wasn't good enough to want to spend time with.
I didn't belong.
I'm sure other "teenage transplants" understand, in that if you've moved during those years, it's hard to find new friends sometimes. It also doesn't really help that I attended Sunshine, so I wasn't in the local school system, and I wasn't able to attend youth group during the school year.
But I also think Satan used those feelings and that knowledge, and twisted it to trick me into thinking I had no friends in my home area. Because I did do things with friends this summer:
I did have people invite me once or twice to the river with them.
I was able to go shopping with my mom and sister, and it was a fun day.
I did have friends who wanted to spend time with me.
I just have to remind myself that it doesn't always matter what I think, or what looks to be true. It matters what God says about me, and what He speaks into my heart every day: "I am His child. He wants me. He loves me. I belong to Him."
And at the end of the day, that's what I need to find comfort and peace in. That's what I need to let Him remind me of day after day after day. That's what I need Him to mold my heart into: one that seeks Him, and Him only.
I have to admit, this summer was rough. Graduation was good, a relieving ending to a roller-coaster of a year. And then came the full swing of summer. Work, stuff at home, work, youth group, work, church. It just seemed like so much work. I'm not opposed to having a job, I really like working; it's just that this job was not for me, I think. I would rather work hard and do something productive with my time rather than sit at a desk and wait for people to come by the office. But it's a matter of preference. So work kind of stressed me out, even though there was nothing to stress out about. I worked so much (at least it seemed) that I didn't have time to do fun things, like hang out with friends, or just chill at home. The thing that bothered me most, I think, was seeing all the pictures on Facebook of my friends at the river, or going shopping with friends, or on vacation. I knew that it was not healthy to let those things upset me, and I didn't necessarily let them. Mostly I think the devil used those social media outlets to get a foothold in my heart and brain that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't good enough to hang out with.
I wasn't good enough to be invited to go along with them.
I wasn't good enough to want to spend time with.
I didn't belong.
I'm sure other "teenage transplants" understand, in that if you've moved during those years, it's hard to find new friends sometimes. It also doesn't really help that I attended Sunshine, so I wasn't in the local school system, and I wasn't able to attend youth group during the school year.
But I also think Satan used those feelings and that knowledge, and twisted it to trick me into thinking I had no friends in my home area. Because I did do things with friends this summer:
I did have people invite me once or twice to the river with them.
I was able to go shopping with my mom and sister, and it was a fun day.
I did have friends who wanted to spend time with me.
I just have to remind myself that it doesn't always matter what I think, or what looks to be true. It matters what God says about me, and what He speaks into my heart every day: "I am His child. He wants me. He loves me. I belong to Him."
And at the end of the day, that's what I need to find comfort and peace in. That's what I need to let Him remind me of day after day after day. That's what I need Him to mold my heart into: one that seeks Him, and Him only.
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