All These Things? I Can't Do It Anymore.
I cannot hold it together anymore. I have decided I just cannot.
The classes, the future, the part of me that just wants to give up and go home, not knowing if I am in the right field of study, wondering if I should even be anywhere in a health-related major. I cannot pretend that I know perfectly what I am supposed to do, that I have no doubts about my ability to pass my classes at the level I want to. I cannot hold in the tears of frustration and sadness that well up when I feel like I do not belong.
I have done all these things. But I cannot do them anymore.
I have held in doubts. I have held in fear. I have held in tears.
But I am held in love.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am held in truth.
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I am held in peace.
Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
I am held in the arms of the Father Who tells me I am His child.
1 John 3:1-2
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.
1 John 4:4
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
And being held in all these things is greater than holding in frustrations, doubts, and struggles.
So I do not have to know. I do not have to pretend. I do not have to hold in the tears.
I do my best. I trust that God has a purpose for my tears. I hope in the Lord. I seek peace that comes solely from Him. I believe that the God Who brought me here will use me here.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
So I cry the tears of frustration and doubt, because it is okay to feel like I do not know what I am doing. I cry because I have been relying on my plans and my own strength rather than relying on the strength and omniscience of God.
And I come to a conclusion, one I've known and been reminded of many times, but one that gets clouded by my own thinking:
God can hold it together.
In fact, God is doing more than holding it together:
He's perfectly orchestrating every single detail.